On my way home from China

Kolt,

Would you be embarrassed by me if I collapsed in a fit of tears into your arms the moment I saw you? I feel as though I might :)

I love that that's safe. . . I love feeling as though I can fall to pieces with you. In my heart I know you'll pick up each piece. You are my haven. My whole life I've been looking for my safe space. That safe space is you. God, the grace in your arms calms the storms that dance behind my eyes.

Normally in my life when I have a pathway laid before me, and the steps are quite clear I thrive. According to my history, and based on the information I had China should've been a struggle that was completely possible for me. . . I've always sought adventure and traveling and that fight. I think I've always fought so hard that I don't know how to relax and just be. I couldn't do China, not knowing that I had you and you were a million miles away. Not knowing I was doing all of these firsts without you. Not knowing that there were all these miles and funky hours between us. Truly, I did not want to. When I finally fell into you I felt like nothing bad could happen again. Now I know that the bad doesn't matter without you, nor really the good. I would rather be close enough to kiss you on the rough days then send silly emojis to distract from the space between.

I'm sorry for the cost I spent going and coming back. I almost feel silly apologizing. I think you are the only man on this planet almost matching me and my romance. In my heart I feel you telling me that it would've been worth more if necessary because every moment together is so full of treasure we shall surely always be rich. Abundance is in our heart right? Adventure in our minds? The world is as we choose to see it.

I know many would see love as weakness, I know you will never let me settle for less than amazing. You are my amazing. Time is passing so strangely because I'm traveling and quite literally going back in time. I couldn't wait till Wednesday. I couldn't bare to come in the middle of the week. I couldn't bare to to wait those few more days. The cost seems so little compared to being back in your perfect arms. God, I can't wait to kiss you again.

The closer I get to you the easier my body feels. So many people talked about what I was giving up leaving, but they can't begin to imagine what I was giving up staying there. I'm grateful that I left, I didn't know I could love you more. I didn't know there was anymore room in my heart. I think your building additions onto the castle of my heart.

Normally I'd be really worried about what people would think or about being wrong about you. . . Instead I keep imagining telling people this story in 30 years and becoming a real life fairytale. I mostly just hope that we will receive support from our families at this point. They seemed to really like each of us so much. . . It was set up so well. I love that. I promised Brian a wedding that was so full of love everyone was crying. He is looking forward to that. We mustn't disappoint.

I was hoping to pass the time by sleeping and dreaming of you. I can't seem to sleep. I just miss you. Perhaps I should try harder so this time will pass quicker.

I love you
Xoxox

Part 2 9/17-18/16

Right now at home it's almost 11. There's still about 3 hrs left of this flight. I'm pretty tired but can't quite relax. I keep wishing I was on top of our hill talking and laughing and basically falling in love over and over again.

I think that's my favorite thing to do with you. I feel like I fall in love with you so many times a day. It's amazing. I love the way you look at me. I love the glances that no one else notices. I love that sparkle when you know you've been caught. It feels like that's your favorite because than I'm caught looking at you too.

It's a little hot. I'm feeling a bit cramped. I wish I could turn on my service and talk to you.  I love when we talk about nothing. It's amazing. You're amazing. I can't believe it. I'm gonna start my 4th movie. It's too dark to read on the kindle.

Xoxox

To China 9/17-18/16

I'm sitting on a plane a zillion feet in the air and all I can think about is your sweet face when I walked away from you this morning.

I don't want to feel sad right now. All I want to do is realize I had a tiny bit more of my journey that I needed to do without you.

I never expected to fall for you.  I don't know if I told you,  but I watched you the entire time in the restaurant. I wasn't paying attention to anything but you.  I had a hard time focusing on the conversation with my friends. I was hoping you'd do more than look. Or that I'd find the ballsy in me to say something. Then when the moment passed I thought that's ok. But than when you came walking up to me I thought I had hit the jackpot. I was not only so grateful that you saved me and my seat debacle, but also that you just saved me. You've been a hero for me so many times.

You were a hero that day. You were my hero when I needed things camping. You were a hero when you chose to be my friend and be there for me when I felt so lost and lonely. You were a hero when you had nothing to gain and helped me with my car. You were a hero when you gave me another chance to spend time with you.  You were a hero when you I wanted to hike but felt over anxious. You were a hero when you held me in your arms on the tramp in the moonlight. I've never felt more safe. You were a hero when you respected where I was and heard what I wanted. You were a hero when I started slipping into your world and you let me. You were a hero when you came home early and saved me from trying again. You were a hero when you loved me and didn't pity me in that moment. When you helped me feel like I was precious above all the stars in the sky. You were a hero when you faced your parents wrath for me. You were a hero when you let me "change" my mind and fall in love with you.  You've been my hero every day since... every act of kindness, every hug, every kiss, ever meal, everything you did just so I didn't have to, ever time you let me try to return the favors if only in a fraction. You were my hero when you were brave enough to help me say goodbye to everything I've ever known to move across the world and wait for you.  You were my hero for knowing that I had to go before I cried and decided to stay. . . You were my hero for letting go. You are my everything. I feel so honored by your presence and love. I'm so stinking excited to see you! 

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you desperately. . . So I decided I would. I am about to start my 3rd movie this flight and my Starbursts are gone. I miss you.  I think you should watch the most recent divergent movie called alligent. And then the movie gods of Egypt and now I'm watching my big fat Greek wedding 2. I wish you could be on this flight with me. Soon. . . .

Well know I've been thinking about you.  You're my world. Mwah!

05/27/16

Hey you,

Yes you.  What's the deal darling?

I don't understand the roller-coaster in my mind sometimes. I feel like people are pulling away from me. Or I feel like there are growing pains from them. And it's like I know things will end badly. It's hard for me to see people struggle and see them so far away from me. Idk what to do. I wish they'd let me in. I wish I knew if they were really keeping me out. Or if was making it up.

05/05/16

Sometimes I don't have words. Especially those times when I've pushed someone so far away and don't know how to say that unfortunately for that minute one tiny ounce of me wants to be close. I know it will pass, but it doesn't make the moment any different. It's hard. Hard to let go. Hard to know what's really ok. I don't have examples. I don't have a natural gift for getting it. I just have me. Little old awkward me. I couldn't tell you what I wanted or even what I didnt. All I knew was that I shut down. Why? Maybe it was the last time I saw him. Maybe I'm just an awkward potato. Idk. I guess it doesn't matter. For now for this moment I have me. I will be ok. I will be loved I will feel safe. Thank God for that. Protect me. Help me. Save me. I am lost. Empower me to see. I am scared. Empower me to bravery. I am alone. Empower me to embrace. I am a daughter of God who loves me. I am worthy of be cherished and respected.

11/29/14 dreams

My dreams are really broken and the order is strange but I will try to write them

It's confusing to know where this part starts I can remember the pieces but the order doesn't seem to be there... I know I was in a tropical area. I was fairly certain it was an island but also that it was some type of Disneyland and that I was there because sarah my sister had won a trip or something like that. I remember going into a bathroom it was dark and dingy. The ground was sand accept under the toilet stalls. There was tile.  The stalls didn't lock so I had to hold the door to keep my privacy. I remember accidently bumping one of the side walls of my stall and it moved. I immediately felt concerned that the person next to me thought I was trying to be a perve. So I steadied the wall and was very careful after that. I was trying to relieve myself but couldn't relax in this bathroom. Then people started messing with my door. One girl was adamant that she needed the label maker that was in my stall sitting on a shelf above my head. When sitting over my right shoulder. So I gave it to her and she went away. Someone else came in demanding that I was hiding it and wanted it. I still indisposed calmly explained that I wasn't that another girl had taken it. Her and her dad who was with her wandered away. When I was done I went back out of the bathroom (this part is a little confusing and patchy). I was under some sort of cabana and a girl from my homeward named Mariah was sitting on a wooden bench swing that was shaded by lots of Palm leaves quite well too. I believe she was pregnant. I can't remember if it was before this or not but there was a space that was half cabana and wood and tiles and metal and glass it was a class room with immensely high ceilings with some wooden beams and some metal industrial type beams holding up the ceiling that went from glass to the palm leaves and the floor from sort of industrial tiling to sand. There were black metal and wood topped desks lined up. Maybe 20. It was an art class. When I look at the whole room the desks are empty and nothing on them. I remember  though that there was a moment where there was a student on either side of me and I was at a desk or standing between them and they had these packes. All I remember was that they were prompts for drawing. All different drawing exercises. I don't remember what happened but I was standing back at the palm shaded wooden bench talking to Mariah telling her that I needed to use her packet. That if I could borrow her packet and see her sketches that I'd be able to finally hone my drawing talent and be really good like I thought I could. She said that I could.

Next scene was me pouring over the packet starting to work but I was in my living room now only it looked different. There were tons more pics on the walls of the kids in my family but most of them were covered by cut out hearts. There were some hearts where the middle was cut out like a frame and they were mostly around pictures of Sarah my sister. I was trying to pic up all my drawings. The only one I remember for sure was an octopus. I walked into the kitchen to ask what was going on. Everyone was there. Though I'm not sure what that means because there were faces I didn't know that we're supposed family. I know for certain there was a man present with dark hair that stood out to me, but I don't remember the relation. Someone said it was for mom. And I asked they why is sarah the one whose pics are showing in the frontroom. Someone said oh idk and started to fix it while someone else muttered it's because sarah is her favorite. On the counter there was this stranger dark wooden thing. It was about 2 inches deep and about 2 and a half to 3 feet wide and about 3 and a half to four feet tall and the entire front were this little doors all about 2 inches by 2 inches. And they didn't open like a swinging door they all opened from the top edge and when you pulled forward it wasn't a door it was a little hinged drawer but the drawer didn't slide out. It's hard to think of the right words but it was like the little compartment tilted forward. At first I asked what it was and someone started to stumble to explain it and couldnt. And then I interrupted and said oh you mean it's a shelf for tiny things. Miniatures. Like I already knew and I was answering the question for myself. They confirmed it. And added that mom really likes all those tiny things and this was to keep them in and that it would hang in the living room. That's when I realized I needed a present I needed a tiny thing.

There is a clip where I am walking through an insanely intricate mall things don't seem to be divided into stores. There is the occasional little booth mixed in with all of it, but it is a maze like mess of racks and shelves and doors leading to more racks and shelves. I was looking for a Christmas present for my mom and in the last dream she found comfort in keeping a pearl in her pocket and rubbing it like katniss in part one of the mockingjay. I wanted to find a trinket like that can couldnt. As I wandered I went through a series of shelves and on the other side it was only lit by Christmas lights. There were people gathered around watching this little Christmas make its route on the tracks laid out. I wandered in and out of people like I was looking for someone. Decided they weren't there and walked around a corner awake from the train. It was like being in behind the stores in the mall. I knew I was somewhere I shouldn't be. I peeked through a door then went through. I remember feeling like I was about to get caught. Trying to act natural I turned and walked back out. I don't remember what I saw but my mind right now is saying bridal like it was a dress shop or the part of a dress shop where they alter the wedding dresses. On the other side of the door I worries someone had seen me and took the next door quickly. It was like a being on the edges of a convention. There were the fake walls that were blue coarse fabric that you could pin stuff to. It reminded me of the folding wall in the chapel I grew up in. There were two little booths really looked more like hutches with stuff sitting inside for purchase. One of the hutches I think had doll stuff. I remember feeling too old to look. So I moved to the other to not look suspicious. The other hutch I can't remember exactly but I think it had miniature things so I stopped to see what was there. This part is a little hazy. I feel like I looked and decided to keep looking. There was an opening that led back to the main part of the mall with all the racks it was to the left of the two hutches that seemed rather out of place there I went through the opening and that's where I lose it. I keep looking I think.

That's all I remember clearly.

11/08/14

I'm not sure who's even listening anymore. ... just when I start getting my footing underneath me I feel the floor begin to sink. Please make it stop. I don't know what God wants from me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what questions to ask. I'm drowning and can't keep fighting. Someone stop it please. Save me. I can't save myself.

11/07/14

Hey again,

Sorry I only write you when I feel like my universe is imploding. I'm sitting at a ward activity where I'm supposed to spend the night. Fact. Really wish I wasn't here right now. I'm not sure where I want to be anymore. I'm slowly loosing myself and my footing. I've been slipping under for a while now. Idk who to tell anymore. I don't like telling anyone when I'm this bad and nothing can be done.

If you are out there. . . If you can hear this.... please find me.... please love me.  . . . I don't want to do this alone.

All I have,

Me

10/17/14

?,

I know that at this point I am talking to no one. I literally feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest and someone keeps pouring salt into the wound and rubbing it in. It feels as though it may never stop. I know that is the BPD talking but I don't know how to stop it.

If anyone is out there. If you can hear me. Make it stop. Make the pain dull. Stop this hurt. I can't handle it right now. Please go away. . . .

10/16/2014

Someone,

Just when I start to feel like I'm doing ok I feel myself start to slip under. I love him, I say. I want it to be him, I say. How on earth can I be so self-centered. . . Why can't I be happy for others? When is it my turn. . .

I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm trying and I'm failing trying to let go of you.  I wish this story was over and the hurt had already passed, but this is only the beginning of never having you back. I hurt and ache and pray and dream then start it all again, I don't know how to let go of what might have been. Please forgive me for not handling this with a greater grace. . . I wanted you to be the one, when dancers leave the hall that came to crave my greater grace the tears that silent fall.

thinking of you,
Me

10/15/14

Dear Anyone,

Sometimes I'm certain I don't have one more breath in me. Then my body betrays me and oxygen once again fills my lungs and allows the ache that I have in my chest to receive more blood and continues to tighten at the thoughts stirring my mind.

It doesn't matter how hard I work I struggle to make ends meet. It doesn't matter how deeply I pray I still feel incomplete. I keep fighting and hoping and dreaming that things will get better and then I remember they did with you and now I'm back to square one wish I understood God's will and why I can't have you.

You brushed my hair. You stroaked my back. You kissed my forehead like I was precious. You made my heart believe in love again. And here I am sitting alone on a couch praying and hoping there's some way out of this aching. My heart can hardly beat cuz it's broken. My mind can't stop spinning from this whirl wind. Please tell me I'm wrong this isn't the end of our song.
.
.
.
I miss you. I love you.  I hope someday someone can steal me like you. Never forget I gave up a dream cuz God had something bigger for you.

Love....

09/09/14

Sometimes it seems like nothing makes sense.  I want to create an eden for myself and I'm so crafty I can using the things around me, but somehow I cant. My motivation goes out the window and I can do anything. It usually takes me months to move into a space. It's daunting really.
. . .
Last night I had a repeating nightmare. Accept I'm starting to realize they are dreams. This time I walked out onto a roof top and all the bad guys in my dream were standing on the rooftop with these wicked smiles like they had won. It was like I walked into a trap. I had spent the entire dream running only to walk unto a roof where they were all standing like they were waiting for something. It was that moment I knew it was a dream. I walked over to the edge of the roof, climbed up looked at all of them and let myself fall backwards. As I let myself go I watched all of their faces strike with horror. I remember thinking the fall will wake me up from the dream. It was so peculiar to me that they weren't happy by the idea of my death, instead they all seemed to jump forward as to catch me before I fell fear that I'd be gone. It seemed strange to me. When I hit the ground I looked up at the sky and panic darted through me. I hadn't woken. I stood up and started to walk away as I commanded myself to wake up.  My eyes shot open and I was laying in bed again.

Makes me wonder what changes are happening in me.

08/16/14

I am sitting in my parents house trying to find the willpower to do anything.  For starters I jumped out of a plane this morning. I should be on top of the world and yet I am more lonely than ever and just want to cry. I'm in my parents house again. I can't even make it to my bed I need to organize so bad. But I can't think about that because of the mess that exists all around me. I tried to clean the bathroom at my parents house and almost ended in tears. Why is my reach so limited? Why am I so stressed about my lack of control? Why is it so hard for me to accept where things are at and not always wanted better?  I feel like I have entitlement issues, but then I worry I'll swing the other way and care about nothing. Help me....

08/13/14

I don't know why I miss him so much, maybe it isn't him as much as it's the idea of him. I crave love like it's a drug. I feel like I don't know how to be in a relationship without cleaving too tightly.  I don't know what to do.

I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I always worry about being in the way of others.  I worry about being an inconvenience.  I wish I could believe I am worth waiting for. I feel like if I let myself believe that that I'll swing too far the other way and be a diva. I'm afraid of a lot really. More than anything that I'll lose control of my emotions and spin out of control. I'm not sure where that comes from. I wish I knew. I wish I could stop it.

I realized last night that I often feel loneliness resonates with me. Like when I see a movie, or hear a song that is about being different or isolated it seems all too familiar.  How do I control my life without controlling myself?

08/12/14

I wish that things were easier. I feel like it is a constant battle inside of me. Part of me wishes to find joy and peace in my now. Part of me wishes to fight forward for progression.  It's difficult because both are good. I need to fight forward seeking continued progession. I also I need to recognize the goodness which already encompasses my life. I worry often that I won't find the man of my dreams, or that if I do find him I won't be enough.  I'm afraid he won't want me.

I want my little sister to come work with me so I know she has flexibility and a good boss. But I think more than anything I like to feel needed like I am somehow responsible for goodness in another's life. It's funny though, I seek that but never seem to feel it. I have been told countless times how grateful people are for me in their life. I either just don't register it on an emotional level, or anytime I do anything I believe is displeasing to them that they will discredit that completely and reject me.

It's a vicious cycle. I guess ultimately I feel imperfect and unlovable. When I am most depressed the thing that fuels it most is loneliness that I can't seem to escape.

Talking to nobody

Dear life,

I'm losing my mind right now. Not only am I dealing with my depression and anxiety but my anorexia is flaring too. I'm scared. This is such a battle for me. I don't really trust anyone to fully talk about it.

Love,
Me

02/19/2014

Dear Life,

Sometimes I have these quiet moments that I don't totally feel like talking, but I know in my heart I feel lonely.

I think I might have BPD(borderline personality disorder). I think sometimes of all the conditions I might have I hope it is this one. Why? Well, because this is the first one I have heard that isn't genetics working against you or chemicals that are freaking annoying to try to balance if you ever succeed. BPD is circumstantial. It's all about life beating you up especially when you are little, and your brain growing different than other people. And to fix it you just need to teach have your brain reprogrammed. I don't mind that idea.

Sometimes I can be a bit much to be around. I am very emotional. I am such a sensing person it can get in the way of my life. I hope I can get it more under control with work. I need to be working.  And I need to work as much as I can. I am moving out in a week and a half. I need to be ready. I really am excited I am just scared. Taking steps forward in my life hasn't been very successful yet. I have moved out a couple of times, and one divorce later I am not as surprised when my life crumbles around me. I just wish that one of my steps forward wouldn't need to be retracted later. Changed maybe to something equally forward, but I am tired of going backwards. I really hope that I can be out for good this time.

Sincerely,
Me

02/03/2014

Dear Life,

I can't sleep. There is so much going on in my head it is hard to relax, not to mention anxiety of wanting to sleep so I can get up and actually do things before work. Heaven forbid the fact that I want to be functional.

I started looking for an apartment tonight. I want to find somewhere that I can continue growing as a person and figure out my life. I am praying the Lord will guide me in this. I am afraid of  change. I am afraid of new things and new stress. I am afraid this will blow up in my face like so many of my endeavors. I get so excited about change that I only see the good and don't weight the bad. It tends to end badly. . . You know three schools later, divorced, I have no idea how many jobs I have had. . . Trying to think this one through and have the Lord supporting this.

Wish me luck,
Me*

01/20/14

Dear Life,

I am exhausted... I feel like I have no one to talk to and inside my head I am screaming wishing that someone could just make it better. I have been running into my passed all day. 

First Ben (Buttars) is engaged :( a year ago I would've given anything to have that be me. Then there is Parker's (Nelson) dad would happens to be the bishop of the combined ward THE tonight. He was the last boyfriend I had, almost 2 years ago. He practically broke my heart. Well I would say he did and it is still mending. Then there was my super award stalker Chris (Sparks). I am sure that he means well, but I can't handle how clingy he was and we were hardly friends. In the same ward as him was James (Street), no joke the most awkward date ever and a huge part of why I quit saying yes to one date with any guy. 

I feel exhausted.