Kolt,
Would you be embarrassed by me if I collapsed in a fit of tears into your arms the moment I saw you? I feel as though I might :)
I love that that's safe. . . I love feeling as though I can fall to pieces with you. In my heart I know you'll pick up each piece. You are my haven. My whole life I've been looking for my safe space. That safe space is you. God, the grace in your arms calms the storms that dance behind my eyes.
Normally in my life when I have a pathway laid before me, and the steps are quite clear I thrive. According to my history, and based on the information I had China should've been a struggle that was completely possible for me. . . I've always sought adventure and traveling and that fight. I think I've always fought so hard that I don't know how to relax and just be. I couldn't do China, not knowing that I had you and you were a million miles away. Not knowing I was doing all of these firsts without you. Not knowing that there were all these miles and funky hours between us. Truly, I did not want to. When I finally fell into you I felt like nothing bad could happen again. Now I know that the bad doesn't matter without you, nor really the good. I would rather be close enough to kiss you on the rough days then send silly emojis to distract from the space between.
I'm sorry for the cost I spent going and coming back. I almost feel silly apologizing. I think you are the only man on this planet almost matching me and my romance. In my heart I feel you telling me that it would've been worth more if necessary because every moment together is so full of treasure we shall surely always be rich. Abundance is in our heart right? Adventure in our minds? The world is as we choose to see it.
I know many would see love as weakness, I know you will never let me settle for less than amazing. You are my amazing. Time is passing so strangely because I'm traveling and quite literally going back in time. I couldn't wait till Wednesday. I couldn't bare to come in the middle of the week. I couldn't bare to to wait those few more days. The cost seems so little compared to being back in your perfect arms. God, I can't wait to kiss you again.
The closer I get to you the easier my body feels. So many people talked about what I was giving up leaving, but they can't begin to imagine what I was giving up staying there. I'm grateful that I left, I didn't know I could love you more. I didn't know there was anymore room in my heart. I think your building additions onto the castle of my heart.
Normally I'd be really worried about what people would think or about being wrong about you. . . Instead I keep imagining telling people this story in 30 years and becoming a real life fairytale. I mostly just hope that we will receive support from our families at this point. They seemed to really like each of us so much. . . It was set up so well. I love that. I promised Brian a wedding that was so full of love everyone was crying. He is looking forward to that. We mustn't disappoint.
I was hoping to pass the time by sleeping and dreaming of you. I can't seem to sleep. I just miss you. Perhaps I should try harder so this time will pass quicker.
I love you
Xoxox
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