Wednesday, February 19, 2014

02/19/2014

Dear Life,

Sometimes I have these quiet moments that I don't totally feel like talking, but I know in my heart I feel lonely.

I think I might have BPD(borderline personality disorder). I think sometimes of all the conditions I might have I hope it is this one. Why? Well, because this is the first one I have heard that isn't genetics working against you or chemicals that are freaking annoying to try to balance if you ever succeed. BPD is circumstantial. It's all about life beating you up especially when you are little, and your brain growing different than other people. And to fix it you just need to teach have your brain reprogrammed. I don't mind that idea.

Sometimes I can be a bit much to be around. I am very emotional. I am such a sensing person it can get in the way of my life. I hope I can get it more under control with work. I need to be working.  And I need to work as much as I can. I am moving out in a week and a half. I need to be ready. I really am excited I am just scared. Taking steps forward in my life hasn't been very successful yet. I have moved out a couple of times, and one divorce later I am not as surprised when my life crumbles around me. I just wish that one of my steps forward wouldn't need to be retracted later. Changed maybe to something equally forward, but I am tired of going backwards. I really hope that I can be out for good this time.

Sincerely,
Me

Monday, February 3, 2014

02/03/2014

Dear Life,

I can't sleep. There is so much going on in my head it is hard to relax, not to mention anxiety of wanting to sleep so I can get up and actually do things before work. Heaven forbid the fact that I want to be functional.

I started looking for an apartment tonight. I want to find somewhere that I can continue growing as a person and figure out my life. I am praying the Lord will guide me in this. I am afraid of  change. I am afraid of new things and new stress. I am afraid this will blow up in my face like so many of my endeavors. I get so excited about change that I only see the good and don't weight the bad. It tends to end badly. . . You know three schools later, divorced, I have no idea how many jobs I have had. . . Trying to think this one through and have the Lord supporting this.

Wish me luck,
Me*