I wish that things were easier. I feel like it is a constant battle inside of me. Part of me wishes to find joy and peace in my now. Part of me wishes to fight forward for progression. It's difficult because both are good. I need to fight forward seeking continued progession. I also I need to recognize the goodness which already encompasses my life. I worry often that I won't find the man of my dreams, or that if I do find him I won't be enough. I'm afraid he won't want me.
I want my little sister to come work with me so I know she has flexibility and a good boss. But I think more than anything I like to feel needed like I am somehow responsible for goodness in another's life. It's funny though, I seek that but never seem to feel it. I have been told countless times how grateful people are for me in their life. I either just don't register it on an emotional level, or anytime I do anything I believe is displeasing to them that they will discredit that completely and reject me.
It's a vicious cycle. I guess ultimately I feel imperfect and unlovable. When I am most depressed the thing that fuels it most is loneliness that I can't seem to escape.
