On my way home from China

Kolt,

Would you be embarrassed by me if I collapsed in a fit of tears into your arms the moment I saw you? I feel as though I might :)

I love that that's safe. . . I love feeling as though I can fall to pieces with you. In my heart I know you'll pick up each piece. You are my haven. My whole life I've been looking for my safe space. That safe space is you. God, the grace in your arms calms the storms that dance behind my eyes.

Normally in my life when I have a pathway laid before me, and the steps are quite clear I thrive. According to my history, and based on the information I had China should've been a struggle that was completely possible for me. . . I've always sought adventure and traveling and that fight. I think I've always fought so hard that I don't know how to relax and just be. I couldn't do China, not knowing that I had you and you were a million miles away. Not knowing I was doing all of these firsts without you. Not knowing that there were all these miles and funky hours between us. Truly, I did not want to. When I finally fell into you I felt like nothing bad could happen again. Now I know that the bad doesn't matter without you, nor really the good. I would rather be close enough to kiss you on the rough days then send silly emojis to distract from the space between.

I'm sorry for the cost I spent going and coming back. I almost feel silly apologizing. I think you are the only man on this planet almost matching me and my romance. In my heart I feel you telling me that it would've been worth more if necessary because every moment together is so full of treasure we shall surely always be rich. Abundance is in our heart right? Adventure in our minds? The world is as we choose to see it.

I know many would see love as weakness, I know you will never let me settle for less than amazing. You are my amazing. Time is passing so strangely because I'm traveling and quite literally going back in time. I couldn't wait till Wednesday. I couldn't bare to come in the middle of the week. I couldn't bare to to wait those few more days. The cost seems so little compared to being back in your perfect arms. God, I can't wait to kiss you again.

The closer I get to you the easier my body feels. So many people talked about what I was giving up leaving, but they can't begin to imagine what I was giving up staying there. I'm grateful that I left, I didn't know I could love you more. I didn't know there was anymore room in my heart. I think your building additions onto the castle of my heart.

Normally I'd be really worried about what people would think or about being wrong about you. . . Instead I keep imagining telling people this story in 30 years and becoming a real life fairytale. I mostly just hope that we will receive support from our families at this point. They seemed to really like each of us so much. . . It was set up so well. I love that. I promised Brian a wedding that was so full of love everyone was crying. He is looking forward to that. We mustn't disappoint.

I was hoping to pass the time by sleeping and dreaming of you. I can't seem to sleep. I just miss you. Perhaps I should try harder so this time will pass quicker.

I love you
Xoxox

Part 2 9/17-18/16

Right now at home it's almost 11. There's still about 3 hrs left of this flight. I'm pretty tired but can't quite relax. I keep wishing I was on top of our hill talking and laughing and basically falling in love over and over again.

I think that's my favorite thing to do with you. I feel like I fall in love with you so many times a day. It's amazing. I love the way you look at me. I love the glances that no one else notices. I love that sparkle when you know you've been caught. It feels like that's your favorite because than I'm caught looking at you too.

It's a little hot. I'm feeling a bit cramped. I wish I could turn on my service and talk to you.  I love when we talk about nothing. It's amazing. You're amazing. I can't believe it. I'm gonna start my 4th movie. It's too dark to read on the kindle.

Xoxox

To China 9/17-18/16

I'm sitting on a plane a zillion feet in the air and all I can think about is your sweet face when I walked away from you this morning.

I don't want to feel sad right now. All I want to do is realize I had a tiny bit more of my journey that I needed to do without you.

I never expected to fall for you.  I don't know if I told you,  but I watched you the entire time in the restaurant. I wasn't paying attention to anything but you.  I had a hard time focusing on the conversation with my friends. I was hoping you'd do more than look. Or that I'd find the ballsy in me to say something. Then when the moment passed I thought that's ok. But than when you came walking up to me I thought I had hit the jackpot. I was not only so grateful that you saved me and my seat debacle, but also that you just saved me. You've been a hero for me so many times.

You were a hero that day. You were my hero when I needed things camping. You were a hero when you chose to be my friend and be there for me when I felt so lost and lonely. You were a hero when you had nothing to gain and helped me with my car. You were a hero when you gave me another chance to spend time with you.  You were a hero when you I wanted to hike but felt over anxious. You were a hero when you held me in your arms on the tramp in the moonlight. I've never felt more safe. You were a hero when you respected where I was and heard what I wanted. You were a hero when I started slipping into your world and you let me. You were a hero when you came home early and saved me from trying again. You were a hero when you loved me and didn't pity me in that moment. When you helped me feel like I was precious above all the stars in the sky. You were a hero when you faced your parents wrath for me. You were a hero when you let me "change" my mind and fall in love with you.  You've been my hero every day since... every act of kindness, every hug, every kiss, ever meal, everything you did just so I didn't have to, ever time you let me try to return the favors if only in a fraction. You were my hero when you were brave enough to help me say goodbye to everything I've ever known to move across the world and wait for you.  You were my hero for knowing that I had to go before I cried and decided to stay. . . You were my hero for letting go. You are my everything. I feel so honored by your presence and love. I'm so stinking excited to see you! 

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you desperately. . . So I decided I would. I am about to start my 3rd movie this flight and my Starbursts are gone. I miss you.  I think you should watch the most recent divergent movie called alligent. And then the movie gods of Egypt and now I'm watching my big fat Greek wedding 2. I wish you could be on this flight with me. Soon. . . .

Well know I've been thinking about you.  You're my world. Mwah!

05/27/16

Hey you,

Yes you.  What's the deal darling?

I don't understand the roller-coaster in my mind sometimes. I feel like people are pulling away from me. Or I feel like there are growing pains from them. And it's like I know things will end badly. It's hard for me to see people struggle and see them so far away from me. Idk what to do. I wish they'd let me in. I wish I knew if they were really keeping me out. Or if was making it up.

05/05/16

Sometimes I don't have words. Especially those times when I've pushed someone so far away and don't know how to say that unfortunately for that minute one tiny ounce of me wants to be close. I know it will pass, but it doesn't make the moment any different. It's hard. Hard to let go. Hard to know what's really ok. I don't have examples. I don't have a natural gift for getting it. I just have me. Little old awkward me. I couldn't tell you what I wanted or even what I didnt. All I knew was that I shut down. Why? Maybe it was the last time I saw him. Maybe I'm just an awkward potato. Idk. I guess it doesn't matter. For now for this moment I have me. I will be ok. I will be loved I will feel safe. Thank God for that. Protect me. Help me. Save me. I am lost. Empower me to see. I am scared. Empower me to bravery. I am alone. Empower me to embrace. I am a daughter of God who loves me. I am worthy of be cherished and respected.

11/29/14 dreams

My dreams are really broken and the order is strange but I will try to write them

It's confusing to know where this part starts I can remember the pieces but the order doesn't seem to be there... I know I was in a tropical area. I was fairly certain it was an island but also that it was some type of Disneyland and that I was there because sarah my sister had won a trip or something like that. I remember going into a bathroom it was dark and dingy. The ground was sand accept under the toilet stalls. There was tile.  The stalls didn't lock so I had to hold the door to keep my privacy. I remember accidently bumping one of the side walls of my stall and it moved. I immediately felt concerned that the person next to me thought I was trying to be a perve. So I steadied the wall and was very careful after that. I was trying to relieve myself but couldn't relax in this bathroom. Then people started messing with my door. One girl was adamant that she needed the label maker that was in my stall sitting on a shelf above my head. When sitting over my right shoulder. So I gave it to her and she went away. Someone else came in demanding that I was hiding it and wanted it. I still indisposed calmly explained that I wasn't that another girl had taken it. Her and her dad who was with her wandered away. When I was done I went back out of the bathroom (this part is a little confusing and patchy). I was under some sort of cabana and a girl from my homeward named Mariah was sitting on a wooden bench swing that was shaded by lots of Palm leaves quite well too. I believe she was pregnant. I can't remember if it was before this or not but there was a space that was half cabana and wood and tiles and metal and glass it was a class room with immensely high ceilings with some wooden beams and some metal industrial type beams holding up the ceiling that went from glass to the palm leaves and the floor from sort of industrial tiling to sand. There were black metal and wood topped desks lined up. Maybe 20. It was an art class. When I look at the whole room the desks are empty and nothing on them. I remember  though that there was a moment where there was a student on either side of me and I was at a desk or standing between them and they had these packes. All I remember was that they were prompts for drawing. All different drawing exercises. I don't remember what happened but I was standing back at the palm shaded wooden bench talking to Mariah telling her that I needed to use her packet. That if I could borrow her packet and see her sketches that I'd be able to finally hone my drawing talent and be really good like I thought I could. She said that I could.

Next scene was me pouring over the packet starting to work but I was in my living room now only it looked different. There were tons more pics on the walls of the kids in my family but most of them were covered by cut out hearts. There were some hearts where the middle was cut out like a frame and they were mostly around pictures of Sarah my sister. I was trying to pic up all my drawings. The only one I remember for sure was an octopus. I walked into the kitchen to ask what was going on. Everyone was there. Though I'm not sure what that means because there were faces I didn't know that we're supposed family. I know for certain there was a man present with dark hair that stood out to me, but I don't remember the relation. Someone said it was for mom. And I asked they why is sarah the one whose pics are showing in the frontroom. Someone said oh idk and started to fix it while someone else muttered it's because sarah is her favorite. On the counter there was this stranger dark wooden thing. It was about 2 inches deep and about 2 and a half to 3 feet wide and about 3 and a half to four feet tall and the entire front were this little doors all about 2 inches by 2 inches. And they didn't open like a swinging door they all opened from the top edge and when you pulled forward it wasn't a door it was a little hinged drawer but the drawer didn't slide out. It's hard to think of the right words but it was like the little compartment tilted forward. At first I asked what it was and someone started to stumble to explain it and couldnt. And then I interrupted and said oh you mean it's a shelf for tiny things. Miniatures. Like I already knew and I was answering the question for myself. They confirmed it. And added that mom really likes all those tiny things and this was to keep them in and that it would hang in the living room. That's when I realized I needed a present I needed a tiny thing.

There is a clip where I am walking through an insanely intricate mall things don't seem to be divided into stores. There is the occasional little booth mixed in with all of it, but it is a maze like mess of racks and shelves and doors leading to more racks and shelves. I was looking for a Christmas present for my mom and in the last dream she found comfort in keeping a pearl in her pocket and rubbing it like katniss in part one of the mockingjay. I wanted to find a trinket like that can couldnt. As I wandered I went through a series of shelves and on the other side it was only lit by Christmas lights. There were people gathered around watching this little Christmas make its route on the tracks laid out. I wandered in and out of people like I was looking for someone. Decided they weren't there and walked around a corner awake from the train. It was like being in behind the stores in the mall. I knew I was somewhere I shouldn't be. I peeked through a door then went through. I remember feeling like I was about to get caught. Trying to act natural I turned and walked back out. I don't remember what I saw but my mind right now is saying bridal like it was a dress shop or the part of a dress shop where they alter the wedding dresses. On the other side of the door I worries someone had seen me and took the next door quickly. It was like a being on the edges of a convention. There were the fake walls that were blue coarse fabric that you could pin stuff to. It reminded me of the folding wall in the chapel I grew up in. There were two little booths really looked more like hutches with stuff sitting inside for purchase. One of the hutches I think had doll stuff. I remember feeling too old to look. So I moved to the other to not look suspicious. The other hutch I can't remember exactly but I think it had miniature things so I stopped to see what was there. This part is a little hazy. I feel like I looked and decided to keep looking. There was an opening that led back to the main part of the mall with all the racks it was to the left of the two hutches that seemed rather out of place there I went through the opening and that's where I lose it. I keep looking I think.

That's all I remember clearly.

11/08/14

I'm not sure who's even listening anymore. ... just when I start getting my footing underneath me I feel the floor begin to sink. Please make it stop. I don't know what God wants from me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what questions to ask. I'm drowning and can't keep fighting. Someone stop it please. Save me. I can't save myself.