08/16/14

I am sitting in my parents house trying to find the willpower to do anything.  For starters I jumped out of a plane this morning. I should be on top of the world and yet I am more lonely than ever and just want to cry. I'm in my parents house again. I can't even make it to my bed I need to organize so bad. But I can't think about that because of the mess that exists all around me. I tried to clean the bathroom at my parents house and almost ended in tears. Why is my reach so limited? Why am I so stressed about my lack of control? Why is it so hard for me to accept where things are at and not always wanted better?  I feel like I have entitlement issues, but then I worry I'll swing the other way and care about nothing. Help me....

08/13/14

I don't know why I miss him so much, maybe it isn't him as much as it's the idea of him. I crave love like it's a drug. I feel like I don't know how to be in a relationship without cleaving too tightly.  I don't know what to do.

I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I always worry about being in the way of others.  I worry about being an inconvenience.  I wish I could believe I am worth waiting for. I feel like if I let myself believe that that I'll swing too far the other way and be a diva. I'm afraid of a lot really. More than anything that I'll lose control of my emotions and spin out of control. I'm not sure where that comes from. I wish I knew. I wish I could stop it.

I realized last night that I often feel loneliness resonates with me. Like when I see a movie, or hear a song that is about being different or isolated it seems all too familiar.  How do I control my life without controlling myself?