I don't know why I miss him so much, maybe it isn't him as much as it's the idea of him. I crave love like it's a drug. I feel like I don't know how to be in a relationship without cleaving too tightly. I don't know what to do.
I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I always worry about being in the way of others. I worry about being an inconvenience. I wish I could believe I am worth waiting for. I feel like if I let myself believe that that I'll swing too far the other way and be a diva. I'm afraid of a lot really. More than anything that I'll lose control of my emotions and spin out of control. I'm not sure where that comes from. I wish I knew. I wish I could stop it.
I realized last night that I often feel loneliness resonates with me. Like when I see a movie, or hear a song that is about being different or isolated it seems all too familiar. How do I control my life without controlling myself?
