10/16/2014

Someone,

Just when I start to feel like I'm doing ok I feel myself start to slip under. I love him, I say. I want it to be him, I say. How on earth can I be so self-centered. . . Why can't I be happy for others? When is it my turn. . .

I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm trying and I'm failing trying to let go of you.  I wish this story was over and the hurt had already passed, but this is only the beginning of never having you back. I hurt and ache and pray and dream then start it all again, I don't know how to let go of what might have been. Please forgive me for not handling this with a greater grace. . . I wanted you to be the one, when dancers leave the hall that came to crave my greater grace the tears that silent fall.

thinking of you,
Me

10/15/14

Dear Anyone,

Sometimes I'm certain I don't have one more breath in me. Then my body betrays me and oxygen once again fills my lungs and allows the ache that I have in my chest to receive more blood and continues to tighten at the thoughts stirring my mind.

It doesn't matter how hard I work I struggle to make ends meet. It doesn't matter how deeply I pray I still feel incomplete. I keep fighting and hoping and dreaming that things will get better and then I remember they did with you and now I'm back to square one wish I understood God's will and why I can't have you.

You brushed my hair. You stroaked my back. You kissed my forehead like I was precious. You made my heart believe in love again. And here I am sitting alone on a couch praying and hoping there's some way out of this aching. My heart can hardly beat cuz it's broken. My mind can't stop spinning from this whirl wind. Please tell me I'm wrong this isn't the end of our song.
.
.
.
I miss you. I love you.  I hope someday someone can steal me like you. Never forget I gave up a dream cuz God had something bigger for you.

Love....

09/09/14

Sometimes it seems like nothing makes sense.  I want to create an eden for myself and I'm so crafty I can using the things around me, but somehow I cant. My motivation goes out the window and I can do anything. It usually takes me months to move into a space. It's daunting really.
. . .
Last night I had a repeating nightmare. Accept I'm starting to realize they are dreams. This time I walked out onto a roof top and all the bad guys in my dream were standing on the rooftop with these wicked smiles like they had won. It was like I walked into a trap. I had spent the entire dream running only to walk unto a roof where they were all standing like they were waiting for something. It was that moment I knew it was a dream. I walked over to the edge of the roof, climbed up looked at all of them and let myself fall backwards. As I let myself go I watched all of their faces strike with horror. I remember thinking the fall will wake me up from the dream. It was so peculiar to me that they weren't happy by the idea of my death, instead they all seemed to jump forward as to catch me before I fell fear that I'd be gone. It seemed strange to me. When I hit the ground I looked up at the sky and panic darted through me. I hadn't woken. I stood up and started to walk away as I commanded myself to wake up.  My eyes shot open and I was laying in bed again.

Makes me wonder what changes are happening in me.

08/16/14

I am sitting in my parents house trying to find the willpower to do anything.  For starters I jumped out of a plane this morning. I should be on top of the world and yet I am more lonely than ever and just want to cry. I'm in my parents house again. I can't even make it to my bed I need to organize so bad. But I can't think about that because of the mess that exists all around me. I tried to clean the bathroom at my parents house and almost ended in tears. Why is my reach so limited? Why am I so stressed about my lack of control? Why is it so hard for me to accept where things are at and not always wanted better?  I feel like I have entitlement issues, but then I worry I'll swing the other way and care about nothing. Help me....

08/13/14

I don't know why I miss him so much, maybe it isn't him as much as it's the idea of him. I crave love like it's a drug. I feel like I don't know how to be in a relationship without cleaving too tightly.  I don't know what to do.

I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I always worry about being in the way of others.  I worry about being an inconvenience.  I wish I could believe I am worth waiting for. I feel like if I let myself believe that that I'll swing too far the other way and be a diva. I'm afraid of a lot really. More than anything that I'll lose control of my emotions and spin out of control. I'm not sure where that comes from. I wish I knew. I wish I could stop it.

I realized last night that I often feel loneliness resonates with me. Like when I see a movie, or hear a song that is about being different or isolated it seems all too familiar.  How do I control my life without controlling myself?

08/12/14

I wish that things were easier. I feel like it is a constant battle inside of me. Part of me wishes to find joy and peace in my now. Part of me wishes to fight forward for progression.  It's difficult because both are good. I need to fight forward seeking continued progession. I also I need to recognize the goodness which already encompasses my life. I worry often that I won't find the man of my dreams, or that if I do find him I won't be enough.  I'm afraid he won't want me.

I want my little sister to come work with me so I know she has flexibility and a good boss. But I think more than anything I like to feel needed like I am somehow responsible for goodness in another's life. It's funny though, I seek that but never seem to feel it. I have been told countless times how grateful people are for me in their life. I either just don't register it on an emotional level, or anytime I do anything I believe is displeasing to them that they will discredit that completely and reject me.

It's a vicious cycle. I guess ultimately I feel imperfect and unlovable. When I am most depressed the thing that fuels it most is loneliness that I can't seem to escape.

Talking to nobody

Dear life,

I'm losing my mind right now. Not only am I dealing with my depression and anxiety but my anorexia is flaring too. I'm scared. This is such a battle for me. I don't really trust anyone to fully talk about it.

Love,
Me