08/16/14

I am sitting in my parents house trying to find the willpower to do anything.  For starters I jumped out of a plane this morning. I should be on top of the world and yet I am more lonely than ever and just want to cry. I'm in my parents house again. I can't even make it to my bed I need to organize so bad. But I can't think about that because of the mess that exists all around me. I tried to clean the bathroom at my parents house and almost ended in tears. Why is my reach so limited? Why am I so stressed about my lack of control? Why is it so hard for me to accept where things are at and not always wanted better?  I feel like I have entitlement issues, but then I worry I'll swing the other way and care about nothing. Help me....

08/13/14

I don't know why I miss him so much, maybe it isn't him as much as it's the idea of him. I crave love like it's a drug. I feel like I don't know how to be in a relationship without cleaving too tightly.  I don't know what to do.

I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out of bed. I always worry about being in the way of others.  I worry about being an inconvenience.  I wish I could believe I am worth waiting for. I feel like if I let myself believe that that I'll swing too far the other way and be a diva. I'm afraid of a lot really. More than anything that I'll lose control of my emotions and spin out of control. I'm not sure where that comes from. I wish I knew. I wish I could stop it.

I realized last night that I often feel loneliness resonates with me. Like when I see a movie, or hear a song that is about being different or isolated it seems all too familiar.  How do I control my life without controlling myself?

08/12/14

I wish that things were easier. I feel like it is a constant battle inside of me. Part of me wishes to find joy and peace in my now. Part of me wishes to fight forward for progression.  It's difficult because both are good. I need to fight forward seeking continued progession. I also I need to recognize the goodness which already encompasses my life. I worry often that I won't find the man of my dreams, or that if I do find him I won't be enough.  I'm afraid he won't want me.

I want my little sister to come work with me so I know she has flexibility and a good boss. But I think more than anything I like to feel needed like I am somehow responsible for goodness in another's life. It's funny though, I seek that but never seem to feel it. I have been told countless times how grateful people are for me in their life. I either just don't register it on an emotional level, or anytime I do anything I believe is displeasing to them that they will discredit that completely and reject me.

It's a vicious cycle. I guess ultimately I feel imperfect and unlovable. When I am most depressed the thing that fuels it most is loneliness that I can't seem to escape.

Talking to nobody

Dear life,

I'm losing my mind right now. Not only am I dealing with my depression and anxiety but my anorexia is flaring too. I'm scared. This is such a battle for me. I don't really trust anyone to fully talk about it.

Love,
Me

02/19/2014

Dear Life,

Sometimes I have these quiet moments that I don't totally feel like talking, but I know in my heart I feel lonely.

I think I might have BPD(borderline personality disorder). I think sometimes of all the conditions I might have I hope it is this one. Why? Well, because this is the first one I have heard that isn't genetics working against you or chemicals that are freaking annoying to try to balance if you ever succeed. BPD is circumstantial. It's all about life beating you up especially when you are little, and your brain growing different than other people. And to fix it you just need to teach have your brain reprogrammed. I don't mind that idea.

Sometimes I can be a bit much to be around. I am very emotional. I am such a sensing person it can get in the way of my life. I hope I can get it more under control with work. I need to be working.  And I need to work as much as I can. I am moving out in a week and a half. I need to be ready. I really am excited I am just scared. Taking steps forward in my life hasn't been very successful yet. I have moved out a couple of times, and one divorce later I am not as surprised when my life crumbles around me. I just wish that one of my steps forward wouldn't need to be retracted later. Changed maybe to something equally forward, but I am tired of going backwards. I really hope that I can be out for good this time.

Sincerely,
Me

02/03/2014

Dear Life,

I can't sleep. There is so much going on in my head it is hard to relax, not to mention anxiety of wanting to sleep so I can get up and actually do things before work. Heaven forbid the fact that I want to be functional.

I started looking for an apartment tonight. I want to find somewhere that I can continue growing as a person and figure out my life. I am praying the Lord will guide me in this. I am afraid of  change. I am afraid of new things and new stress. I am afraid this will blow up in my face like so many of my endeavors. I get so excited about change that I only see the good and don't weight the bad. It tends to end badly. . . You know three schools later, divorced, I have no idea how many jobs I have had. . . Trying to think this one through and have the Lord supporting this.

Wish me luck,
Me*

01/20/14

Dear Life,

I am exhausted... I feel like I have no one to talk to and inside my head I am screaming wishing that someone could just make it better. I have been running into my passed all day. 

First Ben (Buttars) is engaged :( a year ago I would've given anything to have that be me. Then there is Parker's (Nelson) dad would happens to be the bishop of the combined ward THE tonight. He was the last boyfriend I had, almost 2 years ago. He practically broke my heart. Well I would say he did and it is still mending. Then there was my super award stalker Chris (Sparks). I am sure that he means well, but I can't handle how clingy he was and we were hardly friends. In the same ward as him was James (Street), no joke the most awkward date ever and a huge part of why I quit saying yes to one date with any guy. 

I feel exhausted.